Entry Posted:

    This will be a better vessel for my neurotic thoughts. Something feels better using a keyboard to relinquish these thoughts. My feelings flowing through both hands would make sense as an initial sentence. It is true that practicing this consistently has helped with the filler that I use around others. Not having this laptop before made me resort to traditional methods. I'm prepared to start fresh. Deleting this entry is something that stays as an option. Deciding to read these again hasn't crossed my mind yet. I've got to stop doing this as it's just an ego stroke. I also don't give myself enough credit for doing these positive things for myself. Being hooked on past mistakes is my form of holding myself accountable. It's making some of my coping mechanisms feel unhealthy as I continue to do them to keep myself occupied during the punishment.

    Punishing myself is something that I have always been forced to do. The adults in my life recognized that their punishments are pointless for me. Nothing that they have done convinced me to go with their temporary rules. They've always told me to channel the behaviors that they wanted to eliminate from the environment that they existed in. It may be time to do something about it. I've been removed from my family because of my refusal to be tossed around their flimsy judicial system. I'm confusing myself with it. Every person who I surrounded myself with used the lives of their children to let their rules have value. This still doesn't make much sense to me. They are always trying to establish some type of power over the lives of the people who have to survive with them. Instead, they could find some power in the work they do to provide for their families. They've been given a role. There is no role in the family that they established as their survival away from work is the same as their offspring. I am definitely the only person who thinks this way. Its unfortunate. It could be time for me to do something but watching it happen feels like the best course. 

    Every decision I want to make can easily be used against me. It also feels like there are lots of people who know something about me that I don't. It's almost like a bad omen that has to be left to others to decide if they care about me as a human or the person everyone else wants me to be. I don't know what can be done about this if its true. I can see how others treat me to know if they've heard the entire story. Knowing everything is the best way to have a just decision. I still don't know if they should. Sometimes there's a lie that stuns everyone. I think that may be used to make sure that any opposing entity will have some comfort with systems to keep me stagnant. I can only tell the truth. I think it is weird that others hate me for this. It's time for me to decide that I am worthy of knowing who should help me through this. It may be time to be more selfish with my prayers. That also feels like a challenge that I'm not supposed to be ok with. It may also take time...

-Stratora

06-09-2023