Read My Diary

     I had someone convince me that I'm pointless. My history has less meaning because of my position in life. Some of the things that happened to me are tragic. I stop myself from sharing things. I'm afraid of the things that have been said about other men in my position. I know that it's said about me. Either I'm a good man that's a victim of a woman's hatred, or, I'm another bum baby daddy. Knowing my worth feels pointless. I don't know if I want someone to define me. Being alone feels just as bad though. Some of the things I keep to myself should have been expelled in my past confrontations. Time will tell if I have substance. I've got to look forward to some of the objective struggles I'm left with. Breaking myself down won't help me be the punching bag I'm supposed to be. I was told that it was baseless feeling this hurt.       I've ruined a lot of the relationships I had due to sharing emotions and jokes. I cry about this inter...

     Today will be dedicated to taking a break and sitting in gratitude. Hopefully, this will feel good. I think this will be some reinforcement for some of the life events taking place. It also counts to me as being "off duty." Someone told me that it might be a good idea. Some of these things in my silence make more sense. Constantly evading a fight for someone else to decide I should do it anyways. It feels good to not make that decision for myself. The soldier mentality is also a prison. The PTSD that comes with it is all used for someone else's benefit. The direct correlation is the rock soldier in Puss n Boots. My grandmother said that I would be some type of military savant. I reject this as objective mentalities are manipulated by psychopaths. Staying away from that energy feels like an instinct. Helping them avoid this state of thought feels the same way. If I remain this way, sometimes, I might find someone that would treat me in a way that doesn't set me up...

    This will be a better vessel for my neurotic thoughts. Something feels better using a keyboard to relinquish these thoughts. My feelings flowing through both hands would make sense as an initial sentence. It is true that practicing this consistently has helped with the filler that I use around others. Not having this laptop before made me resort to traditional methods. I'm prepared to start fresh. Deleting this entry is something that stays as an option. Deciding to read these again hasn't crossed my mind yet. I've got to stop doing this as it's just an ego stroke. I also don't give myself enough credit for doing these positive things for myself. Being hooked on past mistakes is my form of holding myself accountable. It's making some of my coping mechanisms feel unhealthy as I continue to do them to keep myself occupied during the punishment.      Punishing myself is something that I have always been forced to do. The adults in my life recognized that their ...