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    I had someone convince me that I'm pointless. My history has less meaning because of my position in life. Some of the things that happened to me are tragic. I stop myself from sharing things. I'm afraid of the things that have been said about other men in my position. I know that it's said about me. Either I'm a good man that's a victim of a woman's hatred, or, I'm another bum baby daddy. Knowing my worth feels pointless. I don't know if I want someone to define me. Being alone feels just as bad though. Some of the things I keep to myself should have been expelled in my past confrontations. Time will tell if I have substance. I've got to look forward to some of the objective struggles I'm left with. Breaking myself down won't help me be the punching bag I'm supposed to be. I was told that it was baseless feeling this hurt. 

    I've ruined a lot of the relationships I had due to sharing emotions and jokes. I cry about this internally. I try to keep my tears to myself. The world doesn't deserve to experience them. I've become consumed by the sadness. It doesn't help to know that I'm too sad to chase being suicidal. Wasting away was an objective, but, I cried for help. It didn't feel like me. I think the meds did this to me. My face hurts whenever the tears form. It stops them from falling. Being hurt, finding relief. These two things help the tears fall. Neither has happened. I'm reminded that my luxuries will be taken if I search for either one. I've got to relax. Being rejected was tough. I had no expectations. I hoped for no answer after I sent the message. It might help to shower. It won't wash away the sadness. It will lower my blood pressure. I know that a good week of feelings doesn't mean that I've healed. "Healing" is a process that I've never been able to leave. I'm bored with it. Because of this, I won't shower. Laying down felt way too good. It's the opposite of productive for me. I wiped my smiles away...

-Stratora

 6-12-2023

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