Entry Posted:

    I have a bad habit of getting myself dragged into situations. I don't know how to help the other person. I am playing the role of "the pocket" and it's too late for me to do anything about it. This is the same role I had in my last relationship and being used that way left me to be the abused party. I don't want to reverse roles. Being spiteful of my past is the wrong move. Knowing how to move forward is something I was working on. I could be in severe trouble if I follow my instincts with helping this person. Maybe time will tell. I am not crossing the risk of diving into what I've saved. That decision is my own. Life won't drag me around this time. It's turning out to be ok. Living with this boundary feels like walking with a loaded gun. I hope to make some people proud. I've started with interactions with people around me. Sticking to online interactions has kept me in contact with my blood relatives and mutual friends. It would make sense for me to work on controlling this. It feels unethical to do so on strangers. Practice makes perfect. Hitting my head on the brick wall will only develop calluses. 

    This isn't my typical way of helping. I've been the "strong arm" before. The feedback received was created out of fear. They wanted to have the control that I did. Being "the pocket" has left me to be the manipulated party. I was uncomfortable. It's a moment of vulnerability that I haven't experienced since being sexually assaulted. It's stressful. Being thrown in the middle of all of this forces me to reflect on the times I had to choose between my mom and my grandmother. They always used me as the catalyst. My prayers always made them feel comfortable. I now know why they ask me to speak for them. It's unfair. I shouldn't have had to deal with that. It hurts more knowing that I'm going to deal with more manipulation. I used to wish that I didn't have to. Now I know that I have to put my judgment aside and remain honest with my choices made. Expressing them will be left to this diary...

-Stratora

6-17-2023

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