Entry Posted:

    Today will be dedicated to taking a break and sitting in gratitude. Hopefully, this will feel good. I think this will be some reinforcement for some of the life events taking place. It also counts to me as being "off duty." Someone told me that it might be a good idea. Some of these things in my silence make more sense. Constantly evading a fight for someone else to decide I should do it anyways. It feels good to not make that decision for myself. The soldier mentality is also a prison. The PTSD that comes with it is all used for someone else's benefit. The direct correlation is the rock soldier in Puss n Boots. My grandmother said that I would be some type of military savant. I reject this as objective mentalities are manipulated by psychopaths. Staying away from that energy feels like an instinct. Helping them avoid this state of thought feels the same way. If I remain this way, sometimes, I might find someone that would treat me in a way that doesn't set me up to be a sacrificial lamb. 

    Being likened to the messiah is weird. Working through me is something I asked for. Watching it happen has its up and downs with angst. This cowardice is a result of being hurt by the things I've asked for. Even the things that others have asked for. Someone told me that the physical state will never ask to be hurt. I've never understood this. Cancer treatment has been the best example but is always lost by the mental hurt that comes with the stories that don't have the ideal ending. Unfortunately, all of the endings aren't ideal. I haven't been feeling the same way since some of my cancers have been withdrawn from me. The growth I've experienced has kept me happy. I haven't mixed it with someone's fears. Adopting them makes me the coward I don't want to be. Rejecting them leaves me with the option of doing something I can't sustain. I feel attacked going through it. I'm trying when I'm experiencing it. I don't know if I should be proud of myself during this struggle. There will be an overflow of emotion that others can't contain. I've shown that I can control it and it makes others uncomfortable. Blacking out from this leaves me vulnerable to the inhibitions of others. I'll take my time. It's time to stay away from them. Letting the others bring things up to me to decide that my time is pointless, has shown that they wish for me to be a violent person. It's interesting, personally. I've achieved the "bull in a china shop" physical state. None of the plates have been broken. Everything is polished. The stillness within me is calming. Evolving into a spectacle... 

    I sat in gratitude for a while and realized that being in the moment is for someone who has endless comfort. Some of my worries popped up and I didn't rush to do them. I felt grateful for some of the opportunities that I have. I don't want to judge myself for rushing to end my mental confusion by doing nothing. Instead, knowing that I could stay still and potentially help someone else, helped me help myself. I also got a better understanding of how to insert pauses in my speech. Limiting my filler has become easier. Someone told me that this will make me more attractive. I have no clue why this is important. I'll run with it. I would feel immature to bring my diary with me. There's also a lot of risk with doing so. I can't wait to leave that where it is. That's my next venture with personal growth. It might take time for me to resist options that I know won't be good for me. It's only my intestines that need to extract nutrients from the things I consume. I don't have to imitate that with my relationships. Being in the moment has left me to be a notepad for others' opinions. I have no jokes though. The substance-free venture requires someone else to love "painting" me. 

    Everyone tends to realize the potential to hurt me. It was the fuel for my hatred of other people. I let that go a long time ago. I realized that I was refusing to defend myself... It may take time for me to grow away from the coincidental content. It gets me. Not smiling is a result of neutrality. I'm learning to let that go. Forcing myself into neutrality is something that shows I'm working on staying in the moment without being hyper-focused on it. Loving myself would have to be the first step. I've mastered it. I refuse to exercise it. I feel selfish worrying about needing the rewards from this. Sometimes being selfish about this makes me feel better than I should. Falling into that mania doesn't seem like the right thing. Going in the opposite direction doesn't either. Hence my instinct to remain neutral. I've been told that it's a survival tactic that I developed to be around my parents. The loneliness of running away was something that I should have done sooner. It showed in my first engagement. 

    I'm proud enough to leave that where it is. My family doesn't want me to as it labels me as something they know I am not. Enjoying the grace period has to remain a secret. My boredom with it has to be one too. This revelation hurts. That might be where my immaturity flourishes. I have to shut up without being closed off to everyone around me. I might make that thought public. I would. It'll take some more time to be ok with my lack of movement. Nothing feels necessary when I am like this. That must mean that I'm doing this the wrong way. I'm not going to try anymore...

-Stratora

6-10-2023