Read My Diary

A gratitude letter to myself...       I appreciate you. You've been accepting everything happening to you. It's been surprising to your friends and family. Something shows that your maturity is what keeps you optimistic. I wonder who instilled that into you. Also, it might be the countless situations that have happened to you. Other people who hear your war stories become inspired by the smiles that follow. Loving yourself is the first step of your new journey. I am also astonished by the great obstacles you've overcome. Negativity is never spread with you. Yes, you mention the poor circumstances, insults used against you, and pain that you experience. These "negatives" aren't things that label your character. It's remarkable.       I'll have to mention some of your physical characteristics to try and tear you down. It never works as they always have benefits that make you such an understanding person. That gets me thinking like everyone else that...

     I found myself confessing feelings for my friend. It changed the dynamic of our relationship. She said that things are weird now. I think that awkwardness is different. Sustaining the same dynamic would be exhausting. Personally, it's normal for romantic feelings to develop in any relationship. Confessing is natural for me. Sometimes, I confess to things that others have done. It's the worse part of being a people-pleaser. That's why I'm unable to be in negative environments. No matter how many negative situations follow me. I always find time to cope with things to keep myself okay enough to experience new things. It's going to take some time for our relationship to return to its original state. I'm not sure if I want it to. Figuring out how to navigate it in this state is familiar. I'm not sure if she can keep up with it. I only want her to be comfortable, so I'm ok with recessing the relationship if she wants to. There's an impossible chance....

     I have a bad habit of getting myself dragged into situations. I don't know how to help the other person. I am playing the role of "the pocket" and it's too late for me to do anything about it. This is the same role I had in my last relationship and being used that way left me to be the abused party. I don't want to reverse roles. Being spiteful of my past is the wrong move. Knowing how to move forward is something I was working on. I could be in severe trouble if I follow my instincts with helping this person. Maybe time will tell. I am not crossing the risk of diving into what I've saved. That decision is my own. Life won't drag me around this time. It's turning out to be ok. Living with this boundary feels like walking with a loaded gun. I hope to make some people proud. I've started with interactions with people around me. Sticking to online interactions has kept me in contact with my blood relatives and mutual friends. It would make sense ...

     I've been fighting a headache for the past two days. I think it's from eating Sour Patch Kids while having a chipped tooth. There's also the chance that it's my stress being out of control. I'm eating a lot more than I'm supposed to. This isn't a good coping mechanism as the healthiest foods aren't immediately available to consume. Doing this would be the best for me. I'll have to find ways to make this an instinct. Killing my bad habits have been a lifelong task. I've gotten better. I'm keeping my fingers out of my mouth more often. I only resort back to it when talking to women. I don't know if they use anything against me. Kinda like some of the other women in my life. There has always been a hatred for all of my actions. I'm often compared to other men that make shitty decisions. I hate the comparison. It's necessary though. The shame that's cast on every decision kills my self-esteem. But, the lower it is, the more r...