Entry Posted:

    I found myself confessing feelings for my friend. It changed the dynamic of our relationship. She said that things are weird now. I think that awkwardness is different. Sustaining the same dynamic would be exhausting. Personally, it's normal for romantic feelings to develop in any relationship. Confessing is natural for me. Sometimes, I confess to things that others have done. It's the worse part of being a people-pleaser. That's why I'm unable to be in negative environments. No matter how many negative situations follow me. I always find time to cope with things to keep myself okay enough to experience new things. It's going to take some time for our relationship to return to its original state. I'm not sure if I want it to. Figuring out how to navigate it in this state is familiar. I'm not sure if she can keep up with it. I only want her to be comfortable, so I'm ok with recessing the relationship if she wants to. There's an impossible chance. I still have romantic feelings for her. I know that I'm unable to express these feelings for her again. I can keep them from her. What if she inquires? Should I lie to her? Would lying ruin our friendship? Would she only ask when insecure/lonely? Is it my responsibility to ease her angst to have the same feelings for me? Should I pursue a relationship with her? All of the stupid questions pop up when I think about her. This might declare me to be a kind spirit. It'll take time to find out... 

    I've hit a peak point with my boredom. I know what I can do. There are too many options for me to reject. I know that I've faced enough rejection for the things I wanted to do. This means that I'm trapped by my depression. I should ask for an increase in the dosage of my anti-depressant. This is usually the time that I feel like this. About an hour before my next dosage. I would rather eat something. It's strange. I may have confused myself to fit into the schedule of this shelter. I've been in a major race to leave the shelter properly. Anything to get me back in my daughter's life. This is getting messy. Focusing on the process has kept me from falling into the abyss of sadness that the situation has for me. It's time to show my determination to the employers I'm used to. They've been extremely flexible with me. Finding a car is the only obstacle preventing me from returning to them. If I get that, the rest of the process will be expedited. I've been trusting the programs that should be dedicated to helping me. I'm not sure if the people in the positions want to help me. I've been vocal about what I need. It's not working out. Maybe they want me to settle for less? I'm trying. None of the opportunists nearby want me to do so. Annoying them about the car situation would hurt me. Choosing this scares me beyond belief. I've convinced myself that I would ruin my chances of getting help. Trusting that they remember what I need seems naive of me. I'm scared to realize this...

-Stratora

6-22-2023

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