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    I've been fighting a headache for the past two days. I think it's from eating Sour Patch Kids while having a chipped tooth. There's also the chance that it's my stress being out of control. I'm eating a lot more than I'm supposed to. This isn't a good coping mechanism as the healthiest foods aren't immediately available to consume. Doing this would be the best for me. I'll have to find ways to make this an instinct. Killing my bad habits have been a lifelong task. I've gotten better. I'm keeping my fingers out of my mouth more often. I only resort back to it when talking to women. I don't know if they use anything against me. Kinda like some of the other women in my life. There has always been a hatred for all of my actions. I'm often compared to other men that make shitty decisions. I hate the comparison. It's necessary though. The shame that's cast on every decision kills my self-esteem. But, the lower it is, the more room the women have to feel empowered. This might consider me to be a weak leech. The other end of the spectrum is just as scary. There is no balance. Women keep things black and white because dealing with their existence is the craziest grey area. I'll never be able to understand their crisis. That seems to be another problem. I'd rather focus on them. 

    Focusing on what I want has always landed me in trouble. That seems to be where my shame is sourced. I'm always doing things to meddle while I hope for my dreams to be achieved. This is also why I want to love someone. I feel it bubbling in my chest. It almost hurts. It doesn't feel like heartbreak. More like angst. This may also be the reason why I should wait. That angst has shown to have a lot of pressure. My bible study seems to help with this. Pouring my everything into religion tempts me. Everything being a distraction from religion is also a lot of pressure. This may be the growth I have to get through. I'll continue to do Bob Ross coloring until I figure out what to do. I'm also afraid of doing this for too long. It'll show that I haven't made a decision. That life crisis would show too fast. Maybe not choosing will keep me looking young. I'm avoiding stress perfectly. I know that I can't handle stress for a long time. I don't crumble. I squish... I have a new venture that is scaring me. It's unfamiliar to me. I know that with exposure, I'll get the hang of it. I now have to turn my social setting into a billboard for advertising the products. I've turned myself into everyone else. This is going to be tedious work. I have to go back and forth now. To catalog everything is going to take the most time. Writing the advertising is going to be interesting. 

    I have never been good at this. Selling everything is going to take time. I should check with the platforms to see if my intentions are legal. Getting sued for the work I'm doing will suck. I'm only doing this to establish financial security. I need this. I don't know what I want to buy. I do want to spend some of the money on my daughter. After she gets bored of me, I don't know what to do after that. Covering my bills comes to that. I'll be rushing to my employment to cover that. I don't ask for much. Food mostly. Maybe that's why I lack the substance to be enjoyed. My reactions to the things I hold over my head tend to be the only source of entertainment for others. I guess that's why children gravitate toward me. They get to import their chaos and feel okay with doing it. Not all of them. The ones that don't, seem to be just like me. That's okay with me... I let someone convince me that my hobbies were addictions. Maybe it's because I never had the means of making them profitable. That doesn't seem necessary to me. I enjoy doing these things. Maybe I should have the discipline to make them profitable. It could also be my fault for being so engrossed with them. I can't accept fault for others around me not wanting to join me. It's something that I used to challenge myself with. That's another area of growth for me. 

    Accepting that emotional punishment was easy. Only I can enjoy the things that make me better. Now I watch myself play through lonesome times. It becomes soothing. I don't want this to be permanent. Having someone join me is ideal. This is the fairy tale I daydream about. It's selfish to want someone to join me in the prison of my hobbies. I guess being picky about the partner is the best way to ensure we both are entertained. That's where my selfishness ends. I still hope the other person can enjoy themselves. Happiness is also temporary. I am going to take my time with this. Goodnight...

-Stratora

 6-16-2023


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