Read My Diary

     I found myself confessing feelings for my friend. It changed the dynamic of our relationship. She said that things are weird now. I think that awkwardness is different. Sustaining the same dynamic would be exhausting. Personally, it's normal for romantic feelings to develop in any relationship. Confessing is natural for me. Sometimes, I confess to things that others have done. It's the worse part of being a people-pleaser. That's why I'm unable to be in negative environments. No matter how many negative situations follow me. I always find time to cope with things to keep myself okay enough to experience new things. It's going to take some time for our relationship to return to its original state. I'm not sure if I want it to. Figuring out how to navigate it in this state is familiar. I'm not sure if she can keep up with it. I only want her to be comfortable, so I'm ok with recessing the relationship if she wants to. There's an impossible chance....

     I have a bad habit of getting myself dragged into situations. I don't know how to help the other person. I am playing the role of "the pocket" and it's too late for me to do anything about it. This is the same role I had in my last relationship and being used that way left me to be the abused party. I don't want to reverse roles. Being spiteful of my past is the wrong move. Knowing how to move forward is something I was working on. I could be in severe trouble if I follow my instincts with helping this person. Maybe time will tell. I am not crossing the risk of diving into what I've saved. That decision is my own. Life won't drag me around this time. It's turning out to be ok. Living with this boundary feels like walking with a loaded gun. I hope to make some people proud. I've started with interactions with people around me. Sticking to online interactions has kept me in contact with my blood relatives and mutual friends. It would make sense ...

     I've been fighting a headache for the past two days. I think it's from eating Sour Patch Kids while having a chipped tooth. There's also the chance that it's my stress being out of control. I'm eating a lot more than I'm supposed to. This isn't a good coping mechanism as the healthiest foods aren't immediately available to consume. Doing this would be the best for me. I'll have to find ways to make this an instinct. Killing my bad habits have been a lifelong task. I've gotten better. I'm keeping my fingers out of my mouth more often. I only resort back to it when talking to women. I don't know if they use anything against me. Kinda like some of the other women in my life. There has always been a hatred for all of my actions. I'm often compared to other men that make shitty decisions. I hate the comparison. It's necessary though. The shame that's cast on every decision kills my self-esteem. But, the lower it is, the more r...

     I had someone convince me that I'm pointless. My history has less meaning because of my position in life. Some of the things that happened to me are tragic. I stop myself from sharing things. I'm afraid of the things that have been said about other men in my position. I know that it's said about me. Either I'm a good man that's a victim of a woman's hatred, or, I'm another bum baby daddy. Knowing my worth feels pointless. I don't know if I want someone to define me. Being alone feels just as bad though. Some of the things I keep to myself should have been expelled in my past confrontations. Time will tell if I have substance. I've got to look forward to some of the objective struggles I'm left with. Breaking myself down won't help me be the punching bag I'm supposed to be. I was told that it was baseless feeling this hurt.       I've ruined a lot of the relationships I had due to sharing emotions and jokes. I cry about this inter...

     Today will be dedicated to taking a break and sitting in gratitude. Hopefully, this will feel good. I think this will be some reinforcement for some of the life events taking place. It also counts to me as being "off duty." Someone told me that it might be a good idea. Some of these things in my silence make more sense. Constantly evading a fight for someone else to decide I should do it anyways. It feels good to not make that decision for myself. The soldier mentality is also a prison. The PTSD that comes with it is all used for someone else's benefit. The direct correlation is the rock soldier in Puss n Boots. My grandmother said that I would be some type of military savant. I reject this as objective mentalities are manipulated by psychopaths. Staying away from that energy feels like an instinct. Helping them avoid this state of thought feels the same way. If I remain this way, sometimes, I might find someone that would treat me in a way that doesn't set me up...

    This will be a better vessel for my neurotic thoughts. Something feels better using a keyboard to relinquish these thoughts. My feelings flowing through both hands would make sense as an initial sentence. It is true that practicing this consistently has helped with the filler that I use around others. Not having this laptop before made me resort to traditional methods. I'm prepared to start fresh. Deleting this entry is something that stays as an option. Deciding to read these again hasn't crossed my mind yet. I've got to stop doing this as it's just an ego stroke. I also don't give myself enough credit for doing these positive things for myself. Being hooked on past mistakes is my form of holding myself accountable. It's making some of my coping mechanisms feel unhealthy as I continue to do them to keep myself occupied during the punishment.      Punishing myself is something that I have always been forced to do. The adults in my life recognized that their ...